The idea for a Blog started back in mid February and here is the first post

Almost three years to the day I lost my job as an underling key holder at a retail chain because I wanted to stepdown from keyholder to a regular hourly employee. The release from the job was out of the blue. I was a good standing employee no marks in my files. I was still offering to work 10 hours a week (5 less than I was working each week) and cover vacations. I wanted to start focusing on making personal goals and needed the time to build my after-school art lessons and personal advancements.

I have wanted to be a children’s book illustrator since college. Why? How did I know? Early in my first semester my freshman year of college a professor pulled me aside and asked about the direction I wanted my art career to go in. I had never given it any thought I just enjoyed art and figured college would give me the answers …. Isn’t that what college was for to help you find your path? He asked me if I had given any thought to children’s book illustration. Was not aware there was such a thing, and it was an actual focus. It was not a focus in 1989 at Penn State University.

Fast-forward three years I drop out of college due to financials … I was working three jobs and taking a full load of art classes No time. No money. No support. I go from slinging pizzas and waitressing to building a bookstore to assistant manager to general manger and living on my own. Then comes marriage. Then comes kids. Then comes a bunch of part time jobs. Then comes Facebook. Old friends and “someone” asking me about my art career …. Art career what art career I’ve got two kids one with a neurological disability and the other is just incredibly headstrong. Art career that’s laughable or was it. Maybe I should start drawing again .. and I DID *Wonder Woman stance*

I started to attend SCBWI conferences BUT they didn’t have a lot to offer illustrators. There was a very heavy focus on writers. I was confused. I needed information but where could I get it?

Twitter ….

Facebook groups …

Online classes ….

Do I just draw and submit …? Which is what I did! What a MISTAKE but I didn’t know. No one was sharing information and I had no clue where to find it with the bombing of internet information. So, I submitted and participated in portfolio reviews COLD harsh cold no freaking clue to what I was doing, and it showed. I spent a lot of money on a portfolio and its contents. UGH what a mistake the portfolio offered no variety, no depth and I openly heard people mocking it. What was I thinking? Oooooo I have a “mentor” for three days. We are supposed to talk and I’m suppose to ask advice, GREAT! NOPE! Fail. Why, because said mentor was beat due to book tours and worshiping from many attendees. I learned more from late night drawing sessions at this event than I did from my mentor. Sadly, there was still a lot of pieces missing from this puzzle. This led to the gathering of information and finding my people.

Fast-forward to 2020 It was not just us it was EVERYWHERE … it was a global pandemic

2020 what a crazy year! And we survived. I had just finished my first college class in 29 years the world shutdown. *Brain: Did I do that by succeeding at something and wanting more from my life? * At the same time the internet took off with classes, webinars and people communicating. I was again out of work this time because of a GLOBAL pandemic *Brain: Did I do that by enjoying class and getting an A? * Now we all had time. I had time on my hands and did not know when it was going to end. Jump on it now take another class. Ooooo look free webinars *Brain: sign up get all the knowledge you can* Then the webinars were starting to cost money, but it was $10, $15, $25 … then the events started getting larger $125 Then they started dangling authors and illustrators and offering big discounts. This event usually X, Y and Z but now you can have access for the low low price of $$! WOWZA Gotta get in on that and gain knowledge.

Things began to start spiraling …

Whose input is right?

Do they just want my money?

Are any of these sessions actually real?

Am I being heard/seen?

Who’s BSing me?

What did they just say?

Wait did that agent just say they are here but not open for submissions?

But this event promised we could have the opportunity to submit?

Spiral

*Brain: Time to slow your roll find something more focused. *

Two more classes down

Questions are being answered… are they?

There is honesty

I feel better. I feel connected in a world where it is hard to make connections without feeling judged or self-criticizing because so and so’s work is better than your work. Because blah blah person has a career and how in the hell did that happen but not able to ask the honest questions. Yet, I cannot listen to one more person’s direction/guidance without getting confused. BUT I have answers. What is next?

The one thing that was missing No one has ever given me permission to be an artist. Why, do I feel like I need permission to be creative. Because my entire life I was always looking for permission. Behave. Be a good girl. Watch your manners. Do not speak your mind it may not be appreciated by others and what if you are wrong. Why do we always need permission? Why are we always looking for approval?

Then I participated in two separate web events. In December I wrapped up another HIGHLY influential Character Design class and Two classes through UC SanDiego that were missing from my journey. Then in January 2021 I participated in Storystorm.

After finishing Storystorm I realized I had been given permission from the outside

“Be funny. Get silly with your images and books. We need more funny women.”

“Yes, you can draw people. No, they don’t have to look 100% realistic but they do have to be your personal style”

“For 30 days write down every idea that comes to mine. Let it happen. They all will not all be gems but there will be some gems hidden in those ideas”

*Brain: WAIT!!!!! Someone has given me permission I just never gave myself permission. Because I was told to behave Therefore never truly allowing my geek spark fly*

Joy Chu’s class gave me book dummy creating 101 and a starting point to allow ideas to flow and to be messy.

Marcie Colleen showed me I could write but never stop drawing because that is where my real strength lies.

Courtney Pippen Mather gave me room and encouragement to let ideas grow. She also gave me the talk about being silly and allowing it to happen.

Kelly Light told me I could.

Tara Lazar gave me Storystorm. She told me to try what is the worst that could happen.

Storystorm was a great help for me. I came up with a lot of ideas and most are legible. I must remember to go through once a week and rewrite the ideas out in hopes of things being more legible and less Monkey Monkey underpants.

Storystorm was another event that gave me permission to be a creative mind and let things flow/happen. That not every idea pans out, but every idea is worth writing down and or sketching out.

I now have a pack of notecards highly accessible in my studio. This way when I have an idea, I can quickly grab it instead of adding it to my phone. Which I am certain is where good intentions and ideas go to die or at least get lost in the vortex.

It is so silly how much of what I have taken from creative activities over the past few months was the permission to not be perfect. While at the same time giving me permission to be a creative thinker.

I’m still searching for answers but aren’t we all searching for knowledge? Search for knowledge never ends.

I’m still looking for “my people” I have found a few who are encouraging, inspiring, lifting, and building.